Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
