I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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