Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize