Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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