Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
