Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
