I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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