that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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