girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize