At least make sure they are 18
Why
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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