If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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