Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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