FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
