His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
