BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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