whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
