I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
