my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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