Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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