He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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