they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize