You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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