so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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