I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
