i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
