Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
