if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
