ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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