There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
