Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
