I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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