i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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