i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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