God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
