My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
