So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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