Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
