i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
