Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
