if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
