My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
