After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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