I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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