Umm I'm too high to move.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
