it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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