i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
