the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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