life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
