my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm too high and old for this...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
