Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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