I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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