When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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