There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
