i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't put those talents on a resume
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
