Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
