God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
