I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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