i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
