she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
