Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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