You don't have asthma, your pregnant
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
