we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
