You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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