I'm jealous of your bromance
My hand turned me down
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
