I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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