she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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