I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
