I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
