I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize